I haven’t had the chance to miss having a horse because I’ve been so incredibly busy.  I’m putting in 50+ hour weeks at work and when I’m not at work, I’m working on the house.   J finished landscaping and planting the side yard and has moved on to our front porch.  The kids and I scraped paint off the detached garaged and E scraped the moss from the roof.  We just have to replace a few pieces of siding and we’re ready to repaint.  I bought some cedar boards to make window boxes for the garage and am planting flowers around it.  One side of the house is scraped clean of paint and we’re finding rotten siding there, too (sigh).  We’re slowly but surely getting rid of stuff on the inside and polishing things up there.  But, there is work to be done, which J will have to do.

Even though I’m irritated with J that he let the house go since he bought it in 2002, I’m proud of him for lighting a fire under his own butt so we can put it on the market.  He has a bad habit of being lazy when he’s not working (it’s a physical job, so I can’t blame him there, but if he’s too tired to work, he should have rented) and starting projects before finishing the last project.  The front yard took him about four years to complete.  Seriously.  And that’s just the beginning.  He does bitch about doing all this work on the house, but he knows . . .

We are still looking at houses here and there, but not seriously until our house is on the market.  Some of the homes we looked at last month have dropped down in price even further.  For instance, we looked at a place on ten acres for $320k.  Overnight it went down to $285k.    Crazy!  We also checked out a place on five acres with a 4,500 sf house and barns that is for sale at $332k.  In 2006 it sold for $665k.  It’s just insane.  It’s a little sad that a lot of these homes are foreclosures.  We’re finding that a lot of these foreclosures are sitting vacant for years and are being vandalized or have been vandalized by the owners who thrash, take and sell stuff before they go.  Some will even bust through walls, take the piping and recyle it for cash.

Our world is in a sad state, which is why I’m really not bitching about the long hours at work.  My job is to get the firm jobs so we can all stay employed.  We haven’t been getting 100% of the work we’ve applied for and we’re on a losing streak right now which is not great for morale, but some projects have started up after being on hold, so that is good.

In my downtime or when I just need a break from work, I’ve been looking at horses for E and am finding some great ones in the $1,500 range.  I sold my jumping saddle and plan to use that money toward her horse, if I can.  She has saved about $500 so far.    I decided we’ll get her an older horse, up to 17 years old.  She’ll be in college in four years and I can pretty much guarantee that once she is in college, the horse will just stay with us and she’ll visit when she can.  Who knows . . . but either way, it will be a horse that anyone can ride so will be useful.  I’m gearing toward stock-horse types for her, something that doesn’t require shoes or food, not much of it anyway.  I’m going to be spoiled after Brig the eating machine!

On Saturday E and I got to the barn early to get Brig ready for his journey.  I wanted some alone time with Brig so I sent E to go ride the pony.  I carried Brig’s brushes to his pasture.  He was down at the far end, near the woods.  Just a few months ago, he wouldn’t venture more than an acre.  When he saw me, curiousity got the best of him and he moseyed on over to see what was up.  I did have a pocket-full of Mrs. Pastures cookies, his favorite treat.  I gave him one and started brushing him.  He walked off, toward his shelter, and stopped.  That’s where he likes to relax, so I’m assuming that was where he preferred his grooming session. 

As I brushed, I told him that he was going back up north and though I know he hoped to move to So Cal, he’d be well taken care of and happy.  I told him that I loved him and I’d miss him and I would think of him often.  I also told him what a pain in the ass he was and how he’s sucked me completely dry and that frankly, though we did alright, there was a better match out there for him.  Finally, I explained to him my feelings that things were meant to be and maybe, had I not bought him, someone else would have.  Maybe that person wouldn’t have taken such good care of him or at the very least, maybe that person wouldn’t have discovered everything that was wrong with him and fixed it.  Perhaps that was the purpose of my purchasing him?

I bagged up some treats and some feed, then re-read my three pages of notes for his owner and made some additional notes in pen.  I started washing Brig’s blankets and my Muck Boots, organizing, getting things ready to go.  I cleaned buckets and soaked his brushes.  As I sat down for lunch, I received a text that he was 30 minutes away.  My heart sank a little, but I really wanted to get it done and over with, too.

E and I thought we heard his truck pulling up and went out to check.  I looked at Brig’s field, wondering where he was and couldn’t spot him.  I asked E if she saw him, she said no . . .  That was when I noticed that he was laying down.  I have seen him lay down one time, when I showed up at the barn at 5AM to deliver warm water before work when the pipes were frozen this winter.  No one else has ever seen him lay down.  On the very last day, he lays down!  In the middle of the day!  E was beside herself excited and I just thought . . . there is irony in this.

The old/new owner and I talked for a little bit, loaded up Brig’s stuff, then headed out to the field.  Brig walked up to us, right past the old/new owner and toward me, which made me feel good in a smug way.  I gave him a sugarcube and he was haltered.  We continued to chat about him and how well the green grass is agreeing with his weight and condition.  Brig, true to form, grabbed the lead, mouthed everything and everyone and generally acted like a bratty two year old.  His old/new owner seemed happy to see him, Brig couldn’t have cared less. 

It was time to go.  Brig was lead out of the pasture and into the trailer.  As always, he was not happy to be going and wide-eyed, pawed then kicked.  The trailer will need some minor repairs, now.  Brig pawed and kicked up the drive and all the way to I-205, I found out later. 

After he left, we closed up the barn and called it a day.

Brig will live with his old/new owner and will be used for occasional lessons.  For the time being, he will live at a farm up the road from the old/new owner that is vacant, awaiting a tenant or a new owner.  There is no indoor arena and it costs an arm-and-a-leg, so it’ll be awhile.  Brig will live there with another gelding.  When I got home and looked it up online, I didn’t feel so bad anymore.  I wouldn’t mind living here, either.

I felt sadness and relief, often in tandem and often at the same time.  It was like the death of a very sick relative, though certainly not as traumatic.  We can visit anytime and I know I’ll receive updates regularly.  I know it’s time to move onto new adventures and I had to do this in order to do that.

I’m thinking of bathing Brig tomorrow night to get him ready for his journey up north on Saturday.  I’ve really tried to keep a distance from him, for emotional reasons, but I know I will regret not spending a little more time with him before he goes. 

It doesn’t help that I’m PMSing right now.  But, I’m keeping busy with house stuff and work in insane right now.  I went to Powell’s at lunch and bought some books so I’m immersed in that, too.  Plus, the kids are with us now so that keeps me quite busy.  It’s nice having them around.  I write out to-do lists for them the night before and, ta-da, I come home to a clean house and brushed, fed and pottied dogs! 

Besides being 48 hours from horseless, life is good.

We had an appointment with our realtor to check out our house.  She gave us a list of things to complete and then we can sell it.  The front porch needs to be beautified and the exterior needs a new paint job.  Some little updates, like changing the hardware on the cabinets will help.  Little things like that.  We’ll, of course, touch up paint, but we won’t repaint.  We’ll let them choose their own colors.

So, while J has been busy making plans for the front porch and finishing the landscaping in the yard, I went shopping and picked up some things to update our bathrooms.  I’m going to take some before and after pics and post them on my blog.  We’re not redoing the flooring — again, we’ll let them choose what they want.  Our job is really just to make the house more inviting.

All of this cannot be coming at a better time.  Brig leaves on Saturday.  I’ve been working on writing up some things for his owners about his feed and everything we’ve been through these last couple of years together.  They owned him before so they know some of his quirks, but there was a lot they didn’t know, too.  E will continue going to the barn on the weekends to ride the pony, so I will be around horses, which makes me happy.

I look on the bright side and know that they money I save by not having a horse right now will be to pay down my debt and go toward our new house.  Then, I’ll get a horse who is a better match and E will have a horse of her own, too.  Unless we just couldn’t do it, I would never make a horse-crazy girl live without a horse!  I remember when I had to live without a horse and how, every single day, I was miserable!  When you have the bug, you have it bad and only others who have had it, really know.  I’m selling my dump of a horse trailer for cash and/or a saddle for E for when she gets a horse.  I’m also selling my saddle, which is too big for E plus it’s too much saddle for her. 

We found the perfect house, by the way.  It may or may not be on the market when we’re ready, but it would be nice if it were.  It’s in Oregon City on over five acres.  It’s on a gravel road and the house is on it’s own long drive-way.  It’s a log house with a matching garage and shop.  Three stories, three bedrooms, family room, living room, two bathrooms and the master bedroom is in a loft.  There are decks and porches galore, a large yard, space and a perfect level spot for an arena, cross-fenced pastures, a five stall barn with tackroom and hay loft and surrounded by woods.  The best part is if you go about a mile down the gravel road, you hit BLM land and miles and miles of riding trails.

Our current home is being assessed for value today.  There are a few things that need to be done: Attic room (family room, play room or bedroom), side yard and front door.  Since our house would be a good buy for a first-time buyer (the $200k range) it should sell quickly, especially with the $8,000 tax credit program.  It’s a legal four bedroom house (all rooms are rooms with windows and closets) which is difficult to find, especially in that price range.  So, cross your fingers for us that it assesses well and sells quick!

We need to sell our house before we can buy.  1. We need the equity for a down payment (there are very few programs anymore that allow 100% financing) and 2. We really cannot afford to carry two mortgages — we could do it, but it would be tight and stressful to say the least! 

We started looking at houses recently to get an idea of what we want and what is available in our price range.  We are looking in the Sandy area and in the Oregon City area, which I prefer because I like the area better, I like the easy access to I-205 plus the new MAX line, all the great barns for riding and lessons and a better school district for the girls.  My entire family lived in Sandy at one point and I went to school there through elementary.  I have a lot of memories!  My first job at Paolas Pizza.  My first boyfriend.  Grandma and Grandpa’s house.  But, I don’t love the commute and while the girls go to school there now, the district is lacking in funds so the schools don’t have great programs.  I know the girls will thrive at any school because they are bright and responsible, but I’d love for them to have more opportunities and perhaps a better education.

The first house was in Oregon City.  The house was 4 bed/2 bath with huge bedrooms and a gigantic family room.  The house was really perfect and just needed a few updates and maybe a new roof.  There was a barn at the bottom of the slope, but needed a lot of work.  The property backed up to BLM land = trails.  No garage or shop.  It sat on five sloped acres with most of it fenced.  There was evidence of major mud.  It was up the hill from a big hunter/jumper barn.  Sadly, this property was a short-sale and I’m not sure we want to deal with that!

This weekend we looked at houses in the Sandy area.  The first house was just about perfect.  3 bed/2 bath with a family room, formal dining area as well as a breakfast nook.  Lots of windows, covered porch.  Great little house.  The barn had a very small indoor (think lunging) and space for 14 stalls.  There was a tackroom with lockers (they boarded at some point).  The other side of the barn could also fit 14 stalls, but it was open and used for hay storage and a shop area.   The barn needed work on the inside, but it was structurally sound.  Pastures totaled nearly 8 acres.  But, there were transmission lines on the property and they were loud!  Plus they decreased the value of the land which is worrisome.  All this for $320k! If you can stand the power lines, it would be a great buy.  It was a foreclosure that has been on the market since at least October ’08.

Second house was up the mountain more than I want to be and the house was too small.  Super cute house though with a lot of updates while remaining quite cozy.  Big pond, pasture, barn, shop, sheds, woods, beautifully landscaped.  If it were just J and I with maybe one kid, I’d take it!

Third house was even farther up the mountain!  The size of the house would have been perfect for us!  It was a split level and the downstairs was a family room, bathroom and three bedrooms.  Perfect!  The house needed some updates in the way of carpet and paint, otherwise it was in good shape.  The land was undeveloped with lots of invasive bushes.  But, for 19 acres it was a steal.  Stupid transmission lines here, too and they were super loud.

Fourth house was on the mountain and what a pleasant surprise!  A gravel road lead to an unimpressive green split leve house.  The inside was amazing!  Brand new carpet and slate, new paint, lots of windows and light.  Formal dining area with a fireplace and room to spare.  Large living area.  Tons of closets!  Master bedroom was gigantic on on the main level with a sitting area.  Walk-in closet located in the huge bathroom.  There was a guest room upstairs, as well as a laundry room.  Downstairs was three bedrooms, family room, bathroom, storage room and another laundry room.  But, the land was heavily wooded and awkward, so no horses here.  Another foreclosure.

The last house was located in Eagle Creek.  I loved the property!  Five acres, four in beautiful cross-fenced pasture, with the remaining acreage very beautifully landscaped.  The barn was amazing!  Built in 1906 from the timber cleared from the land.  It had a loft to hold 12 tons of hay, concrete floors, stalls, a tackroom, space to spare and a built-in loafing shed with wooden hayracks.  It also had a garage and cute toolshed.  The deck off the house was amazing and you could see for miles out to the Cascades.  But, the house was cramped for us. 

We’ll take a rest from looking then in two weeks we’ll head out to Oregon City and see what we can find.

I finally told J and E about my decision to send Brig back.  I was surprised at how supportive they were.  I told J first.  I expected him to tell me that Brig was a commitment and I need to follow-up for life, like a dog or cat.  He told me that he understood and couldn’t blame me.  And, that made me feel better.  He pointed out all the time, money and heart-ache I’d gone through and that Brig is a better and healthier horse for it.

I think E was a little surprised at first.  She had a lot of questions, especially pertaining to her future as an equestrianne.  She’s 14 so no big shock there!  The barn owner wants her to continue coming out to ride the pony so there won’t be big changes for her.  Also, she realizes that with me saving so much money each month we’ll be better prepared for a house with property and she’ll be able to get a horse of her own.

I will miss Brig and as we get closer to the date, I feel a little down.  The only negative here though is that he’ll be missed.  I know he’ll be OK and like J said, he’s in a better place.  He actually looks really good.  He’s shed out and due to all the grass, he’s shiny, dappled and a little fat.  His feet are a bit better, but only after his left front was quite sore from being bare for a week while we waited for my farrier.

My farrier, while smart, I’m not sure I’d use again.  Brig’s foot was pretty sore and he was acting up a bit, but the way he cowboy-handled him, I was not happy.  He has a thoroughbred and he should know they are not horses that you can treat that way.  At one point, and I’m not sure if the shoer smacked him and Brig had enough or if his foot was sore, but Brig flipped out on the ties — which he never does.    This is a horse who can be tied for days.  He reared, he backed, it was scary.  The farrier’s ego is huge and I know that if I confronted him, he’s fire me as a client.  Anyhow, he was quite sore the day of shoeing, less sore the next day and barely sore the next day.  Today, he’s doing OK. 

J and I are in the process of figuring out what we need to do to purchase a home with property.  We’ve looked at a couple places in our price range and they are OK.  We are just at the price point where we can get something, but not everything.  So, the house might be nice, but there is no shop or barn or maybe the barn is nice but the house needs work a and a garage.  Sometimes it’s the right price, but not a place we want to live.  It’s always something.  But, home prices are rock-bottom right now and even if we sell our house low, we’ll still make money and have a decent down payment. 

If the mortgage broker will ever get back to me, we should know by tomorrow what we can do.  I think we’ll have to place our house on the market while we do a small handful of improvements (finishing some started projects) and I need to pay down my credit cards (Brig’s credit cards, but he defaulted on them and I co-signed!) which will be easy now that I’m not responsible for board and horse feed.  Maybe I’m wrong, but I think that will be the plan.

June is going to be full of changes around here.  I’m sure there will be changes I don’t even know about yet.  So, it will be a crazy time for all.

Brig is going the second weekend in June.  I know it’s the right thing to do.  I’ve been thinking about it a lot.  Basically, he needs a light job and I need a horse that is not so high maintenance.  Until the kids are grown and moved out (in ten years!) I just don’t have the time or finances for showing.  I love Brig, but having him is more of a pain in the butt and the checkbook than a joy.  Each day, it’s something new with him.  He needs a balance of just being a horse and having a job with someone who has their own place, lots of extra money and a good sense of humor.  I know that all horses come with their expensive quirks, whether it’s hooves, feet, being accident prone, destructive, etc. but how often does someone end up with a horse that is all of the above? 

Over the past few weeks, I’ve realized that for me, part of the joy of having a horse is watching him out in the field, grooming him and taking care of him.  While I wish I could show, I know I don’t need to.  I think boarding is great when you have a purpose – training and showing.  But if you only have a horse for the sake of enjoying him or her, riding or not, I feel like boarding doesn’t make sense.  So, my plan is to have property and have an easy keeper or two (one for E).  When the kids are gone, if I still want to show, I will change things up a bit. 

J and I have been looking at homes with property.  We have a plan to rent out our house and purchase something new with space for two horses.  We’ve planned this all along, but now that the market is so wide open, it might be a good time.  However, with the credit crunch, we might have some trouble.  Regardless, we’re going to look into it.  If this isn’t the year for us, that’s OK, we have time.  If it happens, life as we know it will change!

Another thing happening in June is that the kids are moving in with us full-time.  They will still see their mother, but probably just one or two weekends per month.  They will have to change schools and if we do end up moving, they’ll have to change again.  So, that is a reason for us to want to move this summer.  The changes will be difficult for all.  We have a much more structured home and J is definitely the type of Dad that most of us grew up with.  There is a healthy fear there!  E is 14 and we get along great, especially now that she’s into horses.  K is 12 and as always, this is a difficult time for her.  She’s sort-of stuck between a little girl and a woman so she has her hormonal moments mixed with little kid issues like lying to avoid getting in trouble.  And B is just B.  He kind-of just goes with the flow.  The kids are excited about having property.  E will get a horse and the other two will have room to roam.  They are excited about having fresh vegetables, chickens and maybe even a goat or two. 

I’m still working on the weight issue.  I feel good.  My clothes fit better.  But, in six weeks I’ve lost two or three lbs.  That’s it!  I know I’m building muscle and losing fat but I’d really like to get rolling on that 35 lb weight loss.  So, in June I’m beginning a three day per week boot camp in addition to running three days per week and weights.   I’m hoping that after week eight rolls around, it’ll start coming off.  That’s what’s happened in the past.  I lose weight super slow.  I’ve been told it’s because I carry most of my fat in the places where it’s hardest to shed — butt and thighs. 

I’m also going to grow my hair out.  My last hairdresser did a great job of layering and thinning it so that it wasn’t such a PIA to dry and  style.  I can straighten it or I can just dry it and it’s nice and wavy, full of body.  I can barely put it in a ponytail right now but it’ll be long by the end of summer.  Gosh, my hair and nails are growing so fast now that it’s Spring, I can hardly keep up!

As expected, I’m sort-of letting go of Brig emotionally.  I, of course, see him and take care of him, but it’s been awhile since I’ve even put a halter on him.  He’s just been . . . being.  I do capture him with a leadrope and torture him with fly spray and maybe a brush, if he’s too much of a pig pen.  Today it was wormer.  He’s got an itchy butt — either pin or tape worms or a dry tail. 

He’s been a turd about being caught because he doesn’t want to be moved away from his lady friends who are all peeing at the fence for his delight.  So, if you see a bay horse wandering around his field with five legs, that’s probably Brig. 

He lost the shoe from his bad foot over the weekend and is a little sore on it.  Not too bad –at least, not bad enough that he won’t run from me in the pasture.  I’m trying to manage an appointment with the farrier.  Then, we have his actual appointment in less than ten days. 

I had a rough week after everything was settled with Brig and had some sleepless nights, crying myself to sleep.  I know it’s the right thing to do, but it’s hard.  I haven’t told J or the kids yet.  I just don’t feel like dealing with the questions right now and J is going to give me a hard time about not waiting until we have property.

I’m just a little excited about having extra money and am considering what I’m going to do with it.  Well, which bill I will pay off first, second and third.  I figure I’ll start with the vet bills.  Then, I’ll get my car fixed.  Once I’m not doing the barn thing anymore, I’ll spring for a good detailing.  Since having a horse, my car is disgusting, inside and out.  Then, I’m going to focus on one credit card that, if I double my payments, can be paid within a year.  Once that one is tackled, I’ll work on the second credit card.  When that one is paid off, I’ll finish up paying for my car.  I’m also planning on a vacation for J and I.  If we each put away $100 per month, we’ll be able to go on a nice cruise to the Caribbean next Spring.  He’s always wanted to do that.  I haven’t, but I’ve had plenty of vacations over the past ten years and he’s had one — our trip to Disneyland last fall.  Hopefully by next Spring I’ll be able to wear a bikini without scaring anyone.

I’m not even sure where to begin . . .

I got to thinking about what I want to do, as a rider.  I’ve fallen in love with dressage.  I want and need to compete.  I have so many limitations, however.  No trailer, for one.  A horse that’s not really a dressage prospect, for another.  I mean, we’d do fine — he will do what is asked of him, but when you have a horse that isn’t a stellar mover, you’ll never be anything more than mediocre.  Lastly, I just can’t get things to move forward.  We’re constantly at one step forward and two steps back.

This latest setback has me reeling.  I called the vet about Brig’s knees and had a lot of questions for him to answer.  I came away feeling like pushing him in dressage, something he’ll never be great at simply because it’s not “him”, and in the process shortening his useful life-span would just not be worth it.  I mean, if he were something great already and this came up, that might be another story.  Then, I would do joint injections, etc. to keep him going.  Of course, he’d have to love it, and make it worth it for us both, not just me. 

Then, there’s the part about money. 

The sad thing is, I actually do pretty well.  I’m not a frivilous spender.  But having a horse has been such a huge expense that I’m pinching pennies and unable to pay for things like car repairs, vet bills and pretty much anything else that comes along.  Let’s not even talk about things like new clothes or vacation.  Between board, feed and shoes, I pay over $500 per month.  Add lessons, gas, vet bills, fly spray, etc. and on average I pay $700 per month for my horse.  A lot of my tack and starting expenses, like winter blankets, went on credit cards since I used my savings to buy him.  Big expenses that came up would be paid for in cash and credit, for instance his $1,200 ulcer treatment.  So, those injections I was talking about?  I couldn’t afford it anyway.  And showing?  I don’t think I could pull that off, either.

Every day I stress out.  There are a lot of little things that add up that need to be taken care of — like Brig’s most recent vet bill, the fact that I need to take my dog to the vet and my car needs body work.  But, what if something happened between J and I?  I rely on paying half a mortgage, split utility bills and having him around to fix mechanical issues with my car.  I really hate that feeling.  I’ve never had to rely on someone like that before and it scares me.

For a long time I’ve been denying that the financial aspect of horse ownership is affecting me the way it is.  But, when I bought a saddle from the barn owner for $750 and had to ask to pay over time, that was my wake-up call.    It really hit me when, by paying an extra $250 per month for the saddle, I have no money left at the end of the month.

I’ve been thinking about what I can do to fix things.  If I had property I’d just bring Brig home.  I thought about finding him a boarding facility with no bells and whistles but they are self and partial care and located way out where it’s hard for me to get to him every day to take care of him.  But, either way, what kind of life is that for him?  Even though he’s limited, he still wants to work, still need affection and attention.  He’s not a pasture horse.  He’s a horse who needs a job.  And, the bottom line is that I’m burnt out emotionally and financially.  For now, I’m done with horses.  I love Brig with all of my heart, I really do, but I can’t make it work.  I have so much to catch up on, financially.  My life is a mess because I don’t have the time or money or organize, clean, maintain or pay for anything.  My career is suffering because of the stress.  Every day, I’m worried.  I can’t even think straight.

The other thing is that showing is not for the average Jane anymore.  I have met some great people from the barn and through the blog, but overall, it’s not a crowd I wish to mingle with.  I learned a long time ago that material objects do not win you friends and the high only lasts for so long.  I’m just . . . over it.  There was a point in my life where I was living in a downtown highrise, driving a Lexus and jetting all over the world several times a year.  I had the handbags, the shoes, the accessories and the clothes.  And, at the end of the day, it brought me no joy.  I didn’t feel as if I had “arrived.”  So, when I hit my late-20s and realized where all of this stuff had gotten me (no where), I downgraded.  I simplified my life.  I lived in a studio apartment, bought a Volvo station wagon off eBay that I fixed up on my own and sold most of my stuff.  I still traveled (but didn’t stay at The Ritz or Ritz-equivalent anymore), but I was able to pay off every penny of credit (including student loans) and honestly, I couldn’t have been happier!  Ironically, I made the best of friends during that time, people I still keep in touch with today after more than five years and 3,500 miles.  I’m not impressed by “things.”  I’m impressed by character.  That’s just who I am.

I put the word out to a few that I was looking for a new home for Brig.  A pleasure home, with an adult that owns their own property.  Someone familiar with thoroughbreds.  I received a few bites, but nothing serious.  Then, I received an email from Brig’s former owner telling me about how he’d been going through old horse photos and came across some of Brig in his winter hair and mud, and how much he missed him.  I told him about my situation.  We came to the agreement that they would take him back.  I’m not charging them anything for him.  I know that they’ll take good care of him and if they can’t find him an appropriate home, they’ll keep him.  They have property and know a lot of people, so they are in a much better position to rehome him than I am, if that is what they choose to do.  I know they love him as much as I do, so it feels good even though it hurts like crazy.  It looks like they’ll be getting him in a month.  I had to give a 30-day notice and since it’s full-care board, he may as well stay with me during that time. 

I can’t even begin to tell you the pain I feel nor can I explain the relief.  I know he’ll be OK, but I worry.  I will no longer be able to control his fate.  What ifs lurk around every corner.  One of the reasons for getting back into horses was that I needed a purpose in life.  I’m just not content getting up, going to work, coming home, watching TV, going to bed, day in and day out.  It seems like such a waste!  I’ll have a big, empty hole in my life to fill.  And, I feel like a failure.  I made a commitment that I just can’t follow through on and that kills me.  Plus, I’ll miss him more than I can convey here.   

Having horses is so full of pain and frustration.  But, there’s nothing quite like currying the dirt of a horses’s back, kissing that divot between their lip and nostril, watching them graze, their smell and the warmth.  It brings you outside on days you’d never step foot off your porch.  And, they love you, no matter what.  They forgive you and they trust you.  I’ll miss all that.

What does my future hold as far as horses go?  Showing is not in my future, unless I win the lottery or something similar.  I do plan on having a home with land, someday.  May not be until I’m 50, but it will happen.  Then, I’ll get a horse.  I’ll get a big, fat, easy-keeping, shoeless airfern of a horse to keep in my pasture.  I’ll brush him every day and give him lots of love, ride around the property on his big, fat, mutton-withered back and go on trail rides deep in the woods.  We’ll be the best of friends.  Until then, I will admire horses from afar, maybe ride with friends now and again.  I’ll still go to the big shows, dream big and pray I win the lottery.

Brig didn’t seem too happy to see me, which is the norm after taking more than a day off from seeing him.  He basically ignored me.  He’s a smart horse though, I have to tell you.  When another horse is missing from his or her pasture, he’ll stand looking at the field and whinney, then walk over to me and look at me, then walk to the fence and look at the field and whinney, etc.  It’s as if he’s telling me that the horse is not there and please, can I do something about it?  There was a time at our first barn when the well went haywire so the auto waterers weren’t auto-watering and of course, no one noticed.  I had no clue, but when I went to halter him, he went to the waterer, stuck his face in and looked at me.  He continued to do it, not allowing me to halter him, until I figured it out.  Today, I fed him in his feeder, but decided it was too muddy there and I needed to dump the rain water out of the tray anyway.  So, I took the hay out and put it on a dry spot in his field.  Brig would eat a bite, walk into his shelter, turn around and look at me, walk back to the pile, take a bite, walk to the shelter, turn around and look at me, etc.  So, dutifully, I picked up the pile of hay and walked toward his shelter where he stood and nodded his head.  I kid you not.  He nodded his head.  Of course, he wasn’t nodding it yes, just doing his headbanger, I want it, move. 

Tomorrow I will lunge him so be sure he is sound.  On Saturday I will lunge him with Vienna reins, if all goes well and then I’ll ride on Sunday.  He’ll have Monday off then next week we should be back on track.  Boy, he is dirty and has lost a lot of muscle during this break.  Also, he’s not shed out!  Last year he was practically all shed out in April.  He looks gross.

I had my workout with the personal trainer last night and it was too easy.  I dunno, for that much money I don’t want to be able to move the next day!  It is a group personal training session where there are up to four women, but there are never more than three in our class so we do receive personal attention.  The other two women in my class are thinner than I am, but not as strong.  For instance, if they use a three lb. weight for an exericse, I’ll use a five lb. weight.  If they use eight, I’ll be at ten.  It’s not challenging for me until the end of the set, so I know it’s right.  I think the riding and barn work must make me stronger. 

The eating is going well though I could’ve eaten a dozen doughnuts last night!  I had my workout, went home and ate a sensible dinner, then decided to go to the grocery store.  I was starving!  It was really hard not to leave the store without a bag of chips or chinese food.  Instead, I had some Fiber One cereal with almond milk when I got home.  Oh, and a chocolate pudding cup.  I ended up going over my calories by a little bit, but I was starving to death!